Green Acres

Liz LuscombComment
pic source google images

I was told that I MUST tell this story that happened to my hubs and I on Saturday.  I title this:

A Day In The Life Of Green Acres

Before I begin, I have to tell you this important part that will later play out in the events on Saturday.  So let me rewind back to Friday, when we had the wonderful surprise of our washing machine flooding our laundry room floor, which has some sort of hook-up to our septic tank, which made the house smell very. very. VERY. badly.  Did I mention,very?  After the stinky clean-up we had to open up the house to air out, to prevent our noses from falling off our faces.  Then on Saturday, it flooded again! So it was another day that the doors were open.

Okay, so now that you have that in the back of your mind, lets move on with the story.  I hope you find humor in it.  ;)

Fast forward through to Saturday night, after a long day of overtime for Bubba, and a long day of dealing with the nastiness of the wash room for me; we finally settled onto the couch and chair, relaxing after a hearty meal.  We have the front door still open in an attempt to air out the house, when suddenly we hear a thud come from the front of the door.  Bubba having the most direct view, quickly yelled, "SKUNK! Shut the front door, quick!"  In a panic, we both jumped up from our cozy seats, me tripping over the coffee table and Bubba tripping over baby toy's. 

Now, you have to imagine this scenario in your head in slow motion with me yelling, "Noooooo-oooo!"

By the time I slammed the door, Bubba and I looked at each other with an intense stare...waiting.
It only took about three seconds before we sniffed the air and the horrible. nasty. most revolting smell wafted through the living room like tear gas.  As soon as the odor touched our nostrils, we took off running to our bedroom like two little kids, slamming the door behind us, as if this would somehow help.

This is the moment, inside our bedroom, that my inner hillbilly came out.  I thought I buried it long ago, but I obviously didn't bury it deep enough, because in a rage I hollered, "Bubba! Go get your shot gun and go shoot that son-of-a-bleep!"  (My husbands name being Bubba didn't help this situation.)

So, Bubba grabbed his shot gun, loaded it and headed outside in search of this critter.  Yes, I just said critter.  I'm living on Green Acres, remember?

After about five minutes of being outside, I hear Bubba screamin' my name.  I scurry to the back screen door, "What is it?"

"It was Kitty!" Bubba said.
Bubba goes on to explain, waving his hands around for extra emphasis, "Kitty was sprayed by the skunk in the face.  Her eyes are all swollen shut, she's foaming at the mouth and she has snot strings down to her chin!  She is all wet, too."

I'm sorry cat lovers, but I couldn't help myself.  I laughed my ass off.  That's what she gets for trying to sniff another animals butt.

At this point, between our laughter, Bubba rounds up Nate to help hunt this skunk.

I can't tell you how much time went by before I heard my grown husband frantically hollering like a little school girl from outside.  I freaked out because I have only heard my husband scream once in our marriage, so I know he must be in some sort of trouble.  By this time, he is screaming for Nathans help, so I know something is up. 

Rushing to my husbands rescue, I quickly set the baby in his crib and I run through the kitchen to hall door that was closed in an attempt to seal off the stink.  Unfortunately for me, my fat dog was laying behind that door, so when I opened it, it was as if I had hit a brick wall.  This brick wall, aka my dog, caused me to eat the door with my face and jam my big toe so hard against the carpet that it rubbed off my nail polish.  I actually had a moment of panic thinking my nail had ripped off, but it wasn't, thank God. 
Trying to move past my now panicked dog, I trip over her in the hallway.  Ticked off at this point I told her to be still and I hobbled outside to see what in the world this ruckus was about.

Now next to my husband and annoyed, I asked "What's wrong with you?"

He goes on to tell me this:

Well, I was laying here on the ground looking at Kitty (she had crawled underneath the house with the skunk and Bubba was laying on his stomach with a flash light trying to coax her out.) when I felt something wet hit my face. 

I freaked out and jumped up screaming, "I've been sprayed in the face! I've been sprayed!"

---Now you have to imagine that my husband popped up so fast, you would think there must have been a fire lit underneath him.---

With Bubba's face crinkled up like a prune, he screams for Nathan.  "Nathan! Nathan! Quick, SMELL MY FACE!"

Nathan is laughing so hard, he can barely stand up.  He tells Bubba, "Calm down Dad!" 
"No Nathan, smell my face!"
"Dad! It's just water from that leaky pipe.  It happened to me too!"

I'm in tears writing this, just so you know.  Funniest thing ever.

After I laughed so hard and nearly peed my pants, I think to myself,

So Folks, this is what happens when you take a couple of suburbanites and move them to the country.  They temporarily lose  their marbles in situations they are not accustomed to being in.

I hope you enjoyed my story and even chuckled a little bit. 
PS- Just in case you were wondering about Kitty, she is doing just fine.  Her eyes were red in the corners and very stinky, but she pulled through.